It seems that the War on Error is actually slowing down. So I'ld like to talk about some thoughts I had in response to Jay Michaelson's Megashabbat talk on social norms in sexuality. Michaelson's core argument was that hidden behind the battle over gay marriage was a question about whether or not we were going to have a sexual ethos peculiar to sexuality.
This wasn't the only argument he gave: he also argued that underlying the question of social norms was an anxiety over very closely held beliefs that make people fear violation of rules, and that sexual norms in particular are tied closely to beliefs that we would see as central to religious belief.
I think regardless of whether we think it is desirable or not, we don't live in a society where we can form a coherent social set of expectations and roles. The act of living according to the dictates of all 613 mitzvoth has a very different meaning today then it did in early Rabbinical Judaism. Conservative Christians define themselves as being outside the norms of society through their beliefs. Historically these wouldn't be active choices: it's impossible to imagine Orthodox without Reform, and impossible to imagine either without Jewish emancipation making Jews into citizens.
Yet at the same time I'm willing to concede that there are norms that I would like to see in relationships. I would endorse the norm that relationships should benefit those involved and mutual respect should be a component of them. But this inevitably leads to the realization that we don't live in a society in which any norm could possibly be created, especially not in a society where sexual violence is endemic. Must we wait for society to change before we can change how relationships look?
